updates

I havent been on here for a while, I have been so busy with sports, school, work and kids. And diffently this rough deployment. Were going four months into it and I think I'm honestly done with it. I had talking about my feelings, I would rather just run from it all and not deal with it. Thats just how I roll and always been like that.

Stress of being a single mom right now has took a toll on me, especially with the kids. I seemed to have no patience with them I'm learning to calm down first though.

There was a blackout over the weekend, so when I hear that, I starting thinking is Dave ok, who got hurt? We found out it was his Commander, Dave use to talk about him all the time. He sat with at the ball. He told me, that He will take good care of David in Afganistan. Dave right now is probably taking this hard and I wish i was there to give him a hug and let him know I love him.

Just wish this war would be over with so I can have my husband home and my kids can have daddy. They have days when they cry for him..Kelcie the other night was in her room and she was just sobbing, she said, "she misses him so much".

Today is the day...watch out!

I just feel so overwhelmed today. I feel like I'm being attacked and people are just being rude. I'm always looking out for the best intrested of people. But, I dont feel people are doing the same for me. Today I take a stand and stick up for myself. I will say things that are on my mind. I wont sugar coat either. I will just let it come out.

I'm speaking out today!

Exhausted

This week has just been exhausting emotionally. I have just cried and cried..My step dad is dying and I'm here in Germany feeling helpless. I'm sad because I cant be there to help. I'm sad because my mom can't cry on my shoulder and I'm sad because I cant hug her...
I'm going to get through this, I know. My a little piece of my heart is being taken.

Weak but soft voice........

The sound of my step dads voice was not the sound I was use too.  He sound so weak..as soon as he got on the phone he cried. I sat there thinking of words to say to him..but really what would the right words be. I don't want him to lose all the hope and tell him that God is waiting for you. I feel like I'm betraying him and thinking we all are giving up on him. It's not that it's just noone wants to see him in pain anymore. My mom said, something that stuck in my head. She said, she know she has to let go of him but prayed GOD will make him pain-free, so far my mom said, he is pain free..She has came to terms that he's dying and she has to let go of the man she loves..How she does that I don't know but she is a strong women. She has the faith, and she is teaching me I need to have that. Thats one thing in life that, we can fall back on.

He's just a great man!!

I hope the whispers of angels tell him in his ear that everything will be fine.

http://www.militaryonesource.com/

The last few days my step dad has been on my mind. He has terminal cancer and it has spread throughout his body. This man has came into my life and has meant alot. He will do anything for anyone. He has done alot for us and nver asked for anything. He doesnt let the cancer get him down until now. I think. I think he is just tired. He's wore out, he's in pain and I dont think his body wants to do it anymore. I don't blame him...I wouldnt want to fight a battle that I'm not going to win. Thats just my opinion he has his own, he fighting for a reason...a that reason for my mom I think..I think he hasnt heard those words from here..the words I know I can never say...."you can let go, I will be ok"...but I can you say it..it would make feel guilt. I think that's what he's waiting to here. He needs to have that peace. But, how do I say that to my mother. I hinted around about it but never came out and said that to her.
She has been so strong throughout this.....she will cry a little and then she's fine. It makes me feel so sad. What do i do to help. Do I just listen? Do I go there? Do I send money?

What can I do?

They went to the doctors and they have finally said, " there is nothing else they can do". Those words are so hard to understand. I'm sure with my step dad it diffently is for him. So what does he do now. What to die, go through all this pain and for what? Why? I know he's here for a reason, i know he came into our lives and we took him in and loved him. He's a quiet man...different i should day too..but I can only say good things about him. My mom loves him and adores him. She is such a strong women. I don't know she does it. She's by his side NO matter what. Thats' why you do, you love someone and your there for sickness? I know I've seen those words when I got married, but I didnt understand that meaning until now. Watching my mom and step dad.  Thats LOVE!!!

Email from him

I received an email from my husband today that mad me feel really good and then to feeling really bad. He is beat down already and it happens every time he goes downrange. He bust his butt..and I look it at and ask my self "why". Why is he going through all this....is it all worth it...????

Tracy,

My email was messed up yesterday sorry I couldn't email you.  I REALLY REALLY MISS YOU right now.  I sit here in front of a computer doing reports and going to meetings 18 to 19 hours a day and I am getting overwhelmed and feeling down.  When I try to take a break I get phone calls on the government phone I was issued.  I can't even take a crap without getting interrupted.  CPT Phillis and some of the other Officers have been keeping me sane here but it is not the same as seeing you and talking to you.  You are my rock and keep me going every day.  The only thing that has ever gone right in my life are you and the girls.  I don't mean to take advantage of that but you never know what you have until you don't have it anymore.  I really miss playing with Avery and making her laugh.  I miss arguing with Mykaela and interacting with her.

I miss watching Kelcie and wondering what she will say next that will make me laugh and to see how she is improving as she grows up.  I miss telling you to shut the F*** up and looking into those blue eyes and seeing you smile which makes me feel happy to see you every day.  Well I guess I can stop being depressed and get back to work.  I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH.  Tell the girls that Daddy loves them and misses them too.  I want to buy some minutes on the phones so I can t talk to them so make sure there is money in the account so I can do that.  I need to hear everyone's voice.

Love

David

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SuperWOMEN

Oh I find myself just completely exhausted. I'm trying to be the super women that I need to be. But, I'm human I can't do it all the time.

So many thoughts going through my head.

How are the kids?
How is the husband?
Does he need anything?
What is the week going to be like?

My thoughts are going a mile a minute.

Mommy, Mom, Momma, Mommy, mom....thats what I here. It's not there fault, they are being kids. I need to remeber that. But, all in all...I want my husband home.

Saturday it was a warm and sunny day. It was a great day out doors and I went to a little town called Reshieum it was a town that was so peaceful and friendly people. I needed this day, I found myself throughout the week exhausted. Doris came along with me she is a nice girl she should me around this town. We had pizza a local cafe with some coffee.

This German man engraved a bottle of wine for me. He was such a kind man. This whole village was just peaceful.

Hi Doris!

My week~~

Oh has it been one of those weeks. That makes me want to scream! Avery sick, Kelcie sick, and them me Waiting for it to be Mykaela next. Then I hit a big rock and damaged the underneath. I just started to cry. Seriously, I just had to I had to feel sorry for me. Not everyday I can be this strong indepeant women and act like I can do it all. Us military wives have that standard. Suck it up !
Mykaela took care of me when I was sick yesteday, I have to thank her so much. She picked up that slack for me. I love her!

His Voice

David called today he sounded so tired and missing home. I miss him so much, Each time he leaves I realize I have a good life with my husband he spoils me, he takes care of me, he may not show those emotions that I want to see. But, he does show it but doing other things.

The phone call wasn't very clear, he sounded so far away...and he is!

First Weekend~

First weekend without the husband and it felt quit lonely. I have to learn to just relax, relax is the key. Kelcie asked me lastnight, Mommy why are you sad. I didn't realize i came off like that. I said, I'm not I just miss daddy. She said, "oh". This weekend I took the girls swimming, really if I could I would just stay in the house, and cry..but I have to keep going. I have to look at it as one year right? It's not the end of the world. Things can be worse off. I guess I look at it the bad way.
In the end of this there will be some good outcomes. I will look back and be proud.

I will stand proud of myself!

Challenge's that's the key with this deployment. I have to embeded this in my head. I have to strive to the full extent. I can't give up on the little stuff.
I look at my step father that has prostate cancer. This man has fought and fought. And have I yet heard him say, " I give up!" No matter how much pain he is in and what the future holds for him he strives on. Living his day to the fullest. Even if his life is going to be shorten. He's a good man, with a great sole. He will do for others and never ask for anything. That's just his character. I belive also, he is still here for my mom. I think he knows she needs him. I have talked to my mom and have told her she needs to re-assure him you will ok and he can let go at anytime. But, really how do you say that to the one you love. I know I can't, I would have some guilt. My heart tells me that's why he hasnt let go~ those words are the key to him being painfree. Free from this nasty disease.

When I'm having a bad day I think of  him. What do I have to complain about.

Few more days until "D" day.

Oh Friday I'm so glad to see you...

This will be the last weekend to spend with the hubby before he has to go. I'm starting to get that lump in my throat and that empty feeling too. The other night I felt like somethings caught up to me. I feel like I take alot for granted in life. it really hit me hard. God, Jesus whoever you are has been so good to me. I'm blessed to have my children and husband in my life. Days are fullfilled because of my children. As I drop them off at school and head to work I have this guilt that never goes away. I'm a working mom that wants to provide for my children, but at times I feel like I work so I dont have to deal with them. I know that feeling is not true. But, at times the guilt makes me feel that way.

I have to learn when I'm alone rasing them that I need to have more patients and listen to them more instead if getting upset with them first. It can be hard though, because going through the deployments it can be draining.

Sitting her looking at friends post that are also stationed here with their husbands. I read how negative they most are...and hoping I don't go down that path during this deployement. I need some good people surrending me to get through this one. I find myself on this roller coaster lately I've been happy one min, sad the next, bitter, moody..you name it.

I really do have to stay busy..trips need to be planned.

Work hard play hard

Waiting for that day to get here.

Well as a Army wife that time has come for our 3rd deployement. I sit and think, that this one is going to be easy. I've done two and this one isnt going to be a problem. I know I'm wrong because as a military wife with three girls and work. Something is going to go wrong.
Kelcie my middle child seems to be doing well at school and daycare. She has surprised myself and her dad. But, When dad leaves well things start going wrong. Well she start down that path becasue she dont have that consistancy with her dad coming home each night. Mykaela my oldest will seh be ok this time around. Its seems as they get older they take these deployements are harder. Not just deployements I should say I should say their father not being home everyday..putting them to bed like a dad should do.
Avery is 3 now, so daddy being away then wasnt a problem for her. But, this one I have that feeling it's going to sadden my little one.

We shall see huh?