updates

I havent been on here for a while, I have been so busy with sports, school, work and kids. And diffently this rough deployment. Were going four months into it and I think I'm honestly done with it. I had talking about my feelings, I would rather just run from it all and not deal with it. Thats just how I roll and always been like that.

Stress of being a single mom right now has took a toll on me, especially with the kids. I seemed to have no patience with them I'm learning to calm down first though.

There was a blackout over the weekend, so when I hear that, I starting thinking is Dave ok, who got hurt? We found out it was his Commander, Dave use to talk about him all the time. He sat with at the ball. He told me, that He will take good care of David in Afganistan. Dave right now is probably taking this hard and I wish i was there to give him a hug and let him know I love him.

Just wish this war would be over with so I can have my husband home and my kids can have daddy. They have days when they cry for him..Kelcie the other night was in her room and she was just sobbing, she said, "she misses him so much".

Today is the day...watch out!

I just feel so overwhelmed today. I feel like I'm being attacked and people are just being rude. I'm always looking out for the best intrested of people. But, I dont feel people are doing the same for me. Today I take a stand and stick up for myself. I will say things that are on my mind. I wont sugar coat either. I will just let it come out.

I'm speaking out today!

Exhausted

This week has just been exhausting emotionally. I have just cried and cried..My step dad is dying and I'm here in Germany feeling helpless. I'm sad because I cant be there to help. I'm sad because my mom can't cry on my shoulder and I'm sad because I cant hug her...
I'm going to get through this, I know. My a little piece of my heart is being taken.

Weak but soft voice........

The sound of my step dads voice was not the sound I was use too.  He sound so weak..as soon as he got on the phone he cried. I sat there thinking of words to say to him..but really what would the right words be. I don't want him to lose all the hope and tell him that God is waiting for you. I feel like I'm betraying him and thinking we all are giving up on him. It's not that it's just noone wants to see him in pain anymore. My mom said, something that stuck in my head. She said, she know she has to let go of him but prayed GOD will make him pain-free, so far my mom said, he is pain free..She has came to terms that he's dying and she has to let go of the man she loves..How she does that I don't know but she is a strong women. She has the faith, and she is teaching me I need to have that. Thats one thing in life that, we can fall back on.

He's just a great man!!

I hope the whispers of angels tell him in his ear that everything will be fine.

http://www.militaryonesource.com/

The last few days my step dad has been on my mind. He has terminal cancer and it has spread throughout his body. This man has came into my life and has meant alot. He will do anything for anyone. He has done alot for us and nver asked for anything. He doesnt let the cancer get him down until now. I think. I think he is just tired. He's wore out, he's in pain and I dont think his body wants to do it anymore. I don't blame him...I wouldnt want to fight a battle that I'm not going to win. Thats just my opinion he has his own, he fighting for a reason...a that reason for my mom I think..I think he hasnt heard those words from here..the words I know I can never say...."you can let go, I will be ok"...but I can you say it..it would make feel guilt. I think that's what he's waiting to here. He needs to have that peace. But, how do I say that to my mother. I hinted around about it but never came out and said that to her.
She has been so strong throughout this.....she will cry a little and then she's fine. It makes me feel so sad. What do i do to help. Do I just listen? Do I go there? Do I send money?

What can I do?

They went to the doctors and they have finally said, " there is nothing else they can do". Those words are so hard to understand. I'm sure with my step dad it diffently is for him. So what does he do now. What to die, go through all this pain and for what? Why? I know he's here for a reason, i know he came into our lives and we took him in and loved him. He's a quiet man...different i should day too..but I can only say good things about him. My mom loves him and adores him. She is such a strong women. I don't know she does it. She's by his side NO matter what. Thats' why you do, you love someone and your there for sickness? I know I've seen those words when I got married, but I didnt understand that meaning until now. Watching my mom and step dad.  Thats LOVE!!!

Email from him

I received an email from my husband today that mad me feel really good and then to feeling really bad. He is beat down already and it happens every time he goes downrange. He bust his butt..and I look it at and ask my self "why". Why is he going through all this....is it all worth it...????

Tracy,

My email was messed up yesterday sorry I couldn't email you.  I REALLY REALLY MISS YOU right now.  I sit here in front of a computer doing reports and going to meetings 18 to 19 hours a day and I am getting overwhelmed and feeling down.  When I try to take a break I get phone calls on the government phone I was issued.  I can't even take a crap without getting interrupted.  CPT Phillis and some of the other Officers have been keeping me sane here but it is not the same as seeing you and talking to you.  You are my rock and keep me going every day.  The only thing that has ever gone right in my life are you and the girls.  I don't mean to take advantage of that but you never know what you have until you don't have it anymore.  I really miss playing with Avery and making her laugh.  I miss arguing with Mykaela and interacting with her.

I miss watching Kelcie and wondering what she will say next that will make me laugh and to see how she is improving as she grows up.  I miss telling you to shut the F*** up and looking into those blue eyes and seeing you smile which makes me feel happy to see you every day.  Well I guess I can stop being depressed and get back to work.  I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH.  Tell the girls that Daddy loves them and misses them too.  I want to buy some minutes on the phones so I can t talk to them so make sure there is money in the account so I can do that.  I need to hear everyone's voice.

Love

David